ANOTHER RANT FROM FATHER FRANK
It’s dated October 30 and titled “The Father of Europe.”
Father Frank Julian Gelli, an Anglican priest in England who was priest and confessor for Lady Diana, Princess of Wales, writes as follows:
“In 802 AD a curious gift reached the Christian West from the Muslim East. An elephant. Sent by Caliph Haroun Ar-Rashid to Emperor Charlemagne. An event so curious that some thought it apocryphal. “Possibly it never happened”, wrote literary magus Jorge Luis Borges. That in the Middle Ages such a mighty beast could travel from the famed city of Baghdad all the way to the capital of the kingdom of the Franks, Aachen , in Germany , seemed merely legendary. Stuff from the Thousand and One Nights, in other words.
“Actually, Borges was unduly sceptical. The story is true. The elephant did come all the way from the Orient to the Occident. We even know his name, Abu el-Abbas. Charlemagne gratefully received him, reciprocating with gifts for Haroun. Abu el-Abbas lived on in Europe until 810, when he died at Lippenham, in Westphalia . Insh’allah, his sojourn was a happy one.
“Last week, ambling through the lively streets of the modern city of Aachen , the priest found himself meditating on Kaiser Karl der Grosse, aka Charlemagne. Not a difficult feat, as the emperor’s presence is ubiquitous there. Temptation to interview him was irresistible. I succumbed to it.
“Your majesty, your empire extended from the Pyrenees in the West to the Elbe and the Danube in the East. Nearly the whole of Christendom at the time. The epic Chanson de Roland sings of your military foray into Spain . You and your heroic paladins fighting the Moors. Happy with that?
“Remember that I spoke a German dialect, so I could never read the Chanson. I crossed the Pyrenees because three Arab emirs, at war with the Caliph of Cordoba, had asked my help. I drove my enemies across the Ebro but failed to take Saragossa . On the way back, my rearguard and Count Roland were treacherously slain at Roncesvalles by wild Basque tribesmen. A worthless race, whose only achievement in history has been to milk cows. Despicable bunch. Not even worth soiling my sword with their low blood.
“Ahem. A bit non-PC, but let it pass. You are obviously a man of your time.
“A man of all times, you mean, priest. And an emperor for all seasons. Today you talk of Europe a lot. I like that. I was the first European. All right, I had to do a bit of killing in the process. Smash the pagan Saxons, for example. But I don’t see how you can condemn me for that. My Saxon wars were fought in self-defense.
“And for the faith. There was no booty to grab. Your America and Britain, supposedly ‘democratic’ and secular, blather on about human rights and altruism. But you send armies to invade countries as faraway as Afghanistan and oil-rich Iraq , which hardly threaten you. We fought the enemy like soldiers, face to face and sword against sword, whilst your ‘civilised’ lot majors on raining monster bombs and missiles on primitive foes safely from a distance. And I personally engaged in combat, along with my men. I have not heard of your leaders – what are their funny names? - Bush and Blair, risking their skin in Basra or Helmand province.
“Touché, Your majesty. Better to move on. Your relationship with the church. You were quite a pious monarch, they say.
“A Christian one, certainly. I won’t apologize for that. We Franks had embraced the faith since the days of King Clovis. That made us true citizens of a universal city, both earthly and spiritual. No longer barbarians out of primeval forests but children of both Rome and Jerusalem .
“I always believed the temporal and the spiritual must go hand in hand, united, like the soul with the body. Aristotle says that the highest life is that of the intellect. Reason should rule. Had that fountain of all wisdom been a Christian, he would also have added faith. Politics works out best with Church and State conjoined. When St Paul in Romans writes that ‘all power is from God’, his words apply most perfectly to the polity I established.
“That is why I was happy to have Pope Leo crown me emperor at Rome in AD 800. In God’s name I become ruler of a restored Roman empire . So I swore to be the protector of the Church – as it ought to be, surely. Isn’t your Britain today ruled by a monarch who bears the official title of ‘Defender of the Faith’?
“Er, yes. But can’t imagine the queen going to war to spread anglicanism, or to defend the archbishop of Canterbury. By the way, why did you override the authority of Byzantium? There was already a roman emperor in Constantinople , no?
“Indeed. That meddling female, Irene. She was a usurper, because she called herself not empress but emperor. And no woman can be that, anymore than a woman can be a priest. So the throne was vacant. What! You think I am a misogynist? No way. I loved my daughters so much, I kept them always by my side, as everybody knows.
“Interesting views, sire. So you really claim to be the father of Europe?
“Priest, consider my name, Charles. In all the Slav languages, and in Hungarian, it has become the name for ‘king’. Carol, Kital, Kral. That must be significant. I, Charlemagne, am forever Carolus Magnus, Charles the Great. My empire was German, Roman and Christian at the same time. Fine fusion of religion and cultures. The good Saxon from York, Alcuin, implementing by enlightened cultural policies. ‘Education, education, education’ was my slogan. And I got on ever so well with the Jews. And with the Muslim Empire. I sent Haroun ar-Rashid fine hunting dogs in return for his elephant. I could go on…
“Genug, Kaiser Karl. I read you. Pity Europe today is in such an awful mess. Oh, isn’t there a legend you might one day awake from your sleep and come to our rescue?
“If God wills it, I will.”
So says Father Frank Julian Gelli. I always turn on music of Johann Sebastian Bach, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, or Andrew Lloyd Webber when I read his rants.
